On Topic Again, The Carport

I remember hearing that Frank Lloyd Wright is considered the inventor of the carport. In any case, we have one, and due to the way our house sits compared the slope of the driveway and our neighbor's house, well, our carport gets full of leaves, bits of garbage and other debris. I don't have a before; DH started work on it so quickly I didn't have a chance to get a decent, grubby before. Here it is after about two hours of hard, dirty work:

Creating Positivity

A friend told me last night that we can remake those negative pathways by thinking about the positive, the good, the heartwarming. I am actively trying to do that. It's hard, but I think it'll be worth it.

I want to write about the happy memories...I don't think I can right now.

Regrets

Those who know me in person know that I am prone to self-torture: what I did, what I didn't do, what I did do that was really mean or thoughtless, or just plain stupid. Those things, they're torturing me all the time. All the time. I work to escape them, and believe me, it's hard slow slogging through the back closets of the mind. Full of clutter, full of pain.

And when someone isn't here on this Earth anymore, all of a sudden, your chances for forgiveness, for making restitution or just apologizing, all fades away and you are left alone to suffer. Why didn't I do X? I don't even know, but it'll be with me forever unless I can manage to forgive myself.

I am trying not to lose myself in the pain and regret.

Grief

Last week, mostly unexpectedly, but by her choice, my mother died. She was 71, going on 72 in June. She loved her grandchildren, and her children. I miss her so much. The grief is so raw, it's an effort not to cry all the time.

The hardest part? Everything said and unsaid, done and undone. Mistakes we both made. Someone told me 'you don't get to live a perfect life. You will make mistakes, and that has to be OK". I guess it's that human thing--we're human, we make mistakes, we suffer, but we also have the chance to experience great joy.

I wish I had let her in more. I wish she had let me in more. We had a complicated relationship, and I'm feeling the irony of realizing only now, that she's gone, how similar we were. Perhaps that would have helped me to get closer to her, perhaps not.

I am trying very hard not to torture myself with regrets. Times when I didn't pay attention to her, times when I brushed her aside. She was a challenging person to be with and I had so many mixed emotions, mostly left over from childhood, to contend with. I could never make it easy, it always had to be so comlicated. We both had high expectations for what a mother and daughter should be, and we never met each other's expectations. Once in a while, she was just there for me. Once in a while, I would let her in without leaving hoops to jump through in the way.

I feel anchorless and lost.