Those who know me in person know that I am prone to self-torture: what I did, what I didn't do, what I did do that was really mean or thoughtless, or just plain stupid. Those things, they're torturing me all the time. All the time. I work to escape them, and believe me, it's hard slow slogging through the back closets of the mind. Full of clutter, full of pain.
And when someone isn't here on this Earth anymore, all of a sudden, your chances for forgiveness, for making restitution or just apologizing, all fades away and you are left alone to suffer. Why didn't I do X? I don't even know, but it'll be with me forever unless I can manage to forgive myself.
I am trying not to lose myself in the pain and regret.