Thursday, February 08, 2007

Grief

Last week, mostly unexpectedly, but by her choice, my mother died. She was 71, going on 72 in June. She loved her grandchildren, and her children. I miss her so much. The grief is so raw, it's an effort not to cry all the time.

The hardest part? Everything said and unsaid, done and undone. Mistakes we both made. Someone told me 'you don't get to live a perfect life. You will make mistakes, and that has to be OK". I guess it's that human thing--we're human, we make mistakes, we suffer, but we also have the chance to experience great joy.

I wish I had let her in more. I wish she had let me in more. We had a complicated relationship, and I'm feeling the irony of realizing only now, that she's gone, how similar we were. Perhaps that would have helped me to get closer to her, perhaps not.

I am trying very hard not to torture myself with regrets. Times when I didn't pay attention to her, times when I brushed her aside. She was a challenging person to be with and I had so many mixed emotions, mostly left over from childhood, to contend with. I could never make it easy, it always had to be so comlicated. We both had high expectations for what a mother and daughter should be, and we never met each other's expectations. Once in a while, she was just there for me. Once in a while, I would let her in without leaving hoops to jump through in the way.

I feel anchorless and lost.

5 comments:

Pamelamama said...

I'm sad with you.

Shannon said...

I'm so sorry.

Jay Bazuzi said...

It has been nearly two years since my mother died, also unexpectedly. It stunned all of us who were close to her.

Since then, I find that I often try reflect her values in my own life, and sometimes go so far as to deliberately immitate her habits.

For example, two hours after she died, I was in a thrift store buying comfortable clothes (T-Shirt, shorts) to wear to her service.

I miss her.

Sound Chaser said...

My best wishes are with you and yours. I do not look forward to the time mine depart the world.

All one can do, from my perspective, is to go forward and carry the good with you as you go, drawing on the wisdom and the strength. Parents speak to you even when you think you're not listening...

Jennelle said...

I'm slow in reading my rss feeds but wanted to say how sorry I am about your mom.

*Hugs*

Love,

Jennelle